On a good day I bloody hate travelling on the train. The panic that takes over me before arriving at the station is unbelievable; no matter what time I plan to leave I always think that I will miss it. Even if I leave a ridiculous amount of time to get there, my walk turns in to more of a jog in the fear of being late.
Of course, in reality this means that I am always early and have broken in to a sweat for no reason and turn up looking a slight mess. So this was the standard series of events that occured before I caught my train(s) back to Cornwall yesterday. However, the events that were yet to unfold were far from standard!
As I arrived in Southampton Central I got off the train safe in the knowledge that I wouldn't have to find the platform for my train because it always left from the one I was standing on. I was annoyed already because I hate catching this particular train due to the fact it is only 3 carriages long and there are always so many passengers who want to get on. They all stand in the 'ready to sprint' stance, ready to push anyone who gets in their way on to the tracks below. Its everyone for themselves. Anyway for some reason, for the first time in the entire three years I've been travelling back to Cornwall, this train had changed platform. So I begrudgingly hauled my heavy bags up the stairs and along the bridge.
My panicked feeling soon returned as people, in what I exaggerated in my head to be hundreds, began to gather on the platform. Everyone realising that we wouldn't all get on began edging towards the yellow line, judging where the carriage would stop. But then, with only a couple minutes to go before it's arrival, the voice of doom announced over the tannoid that there had been a platform change. At that point everyone stampeeded up the stairs and down to the train as it pulled in. I MADE IT! I sat down in a huff at the fact that the train had arrived at the platform it had always gone to previously and decided that it was possible the government had joined up with railway stations to make people run for their trains in an attempt to wipe out obesity.
However, I was soon in a bigger huff as I realised that there were no plug points. My one form of entertainment (the laptop) was therefore only good for half an hour of the 3 hours ahead of me. I was in for a long journey.
So I began typing up some work when this strong waft of alcohol went up my nostrils. I soon realised it was the girl opposite me who was apparently quite drunk and didn't look too good. She got up to go to the toilet and as she came back she was crying. This made me extremely uncomfortable. I'm not good with tears at the best of times but when its a drunk stranger I'm absolutely clueless. So I did what most english people do and pretended that I didn't notice, engrossing myself in my work. However this girl spotted that I was chewing gum and asked for some. I couldn't ignore her any longer and after handing it over to the blubbering mess I asked what was wrong. Apparently she'd split up with her boyfriend and thought it was a good idea to get drunk on cidar, vodka and tequilla and then travel 4 hours to see her mates in Cornwall. Excellent I thought- she will definaltey vom.
She soon found out where I was travelling to which meant I was going to be stuck with this bumbling drunk for the entire journey who had just began to complain about being hungry. My stomach was aching for food too and I could picture the sarnie in my bag. I left it there in fear that she'd ask for some and I was in no mood to share with a stranger!
I was soon aware that we had been at Salisbury station for ages and the tannoid voice told us there was a fault on the line meaning we were to travel slowly for the next few miles. This meant we were in danger of missing our connection at Westbury. Great. I was not prepared to wait another hour to get home and hoped that we'd pick up speed soon and make up for lost time. Wrong!! At the next station we were, again, waiting for ages and were told that something was hanging off of the train and was being looked at. So now I was not only worried about missing my connection but worried that we could potentially die getting there!!
As the train began pulling in to Westbury the woman next to us (who had by this point joined us in the worry of missing our train) exclaimed that the train opposite was our connection and hadn't left yet! We all ran to the door and took our 'ready to sprint' position once more but I'd heard the whistle blow and thought we had no chance. The doors opened and everyone ran to the train (it was one of those old fashioned trains with windows and non-automatic doors) yelling 'stop!!' 'let us on!!' to the bloke who resembled the fat controller. 'I can't I've started the train' he yelled out of the window . This confused me- surely he could just stop the train?! But he continued to yell the same thing and so, in a moment of disbelief, everyone started grabbing the train and refused to move. This angered the guard greatly but in protest nobody moved. I felt a sudden sense of pride and a rush of adrenaline as I realised that everyone was sticking together. The fat controller had no choice but to let us all on and there was a sense of unity amongst everyone as we gratefully climbed aboard. 'Good luck with the rest of your journey girls' the woman beamed and everyone looked extremely proud of themselves.
Me and my new found friend had bonded over our success and happily found our seats which had plug points!!! She soon tottered off to get some food and I ate my sarnies and started up the laptop. Finally all was good and I was on the final stretch of the journey. Nothing could go wrong now... surely?
Of course it would. We pulled up to Taunton and it was a little while before we all clocked on to the fact we'd been there for quite a while. In that time a massive crowd of drunk, balding, fat, loud mouthed blokes had stumbled down the train clearly on some sort of stag do. It was this that was the reason for our delay. A policeman soon walked down the platform and on to the train and escorted one of the fatties off. He cuffed the man and waited for his colleague to arrive. His shameful walk past everyone was amusing and there was a sense of wonderment amongst the train. 'What do you think he's done?' Well we were soon provided with the answer as the driver, in his strong south west accent explained that the drunk idiot had decided it was a good idea to flash at a child. I couldn't help finding it hilarious that the driver thought it appropriate to name and shame him.
After another phone call to my lift home to explain about yet another delay and we set off. Exeter was in my vision and I was so happy to collect up my belongings and get ready to leave this surreal journey. I said goodbye to my new friend but had no guilt about leaving her behind. As I stepped on to the platform a dog ran around my feet. A guard grabbed it and then a dodgy, angry looking bloke with a bigger dog ran up to her shouting abuse in her face about the fact that she'd touched his dog. 'My god what is going on today?!' I thought. With that the two dogs broke lose from them both and ran up the steps. I couldn't help but break out in to a run either as I thought this weird surreal journey had no end and was following me!! I had to get away from the station before anything else happened. As I ran I bumped in to some hippy who turned around and was clearly stoned off his face and in a bombed out tone asked 'hey, do you want a chewing guuum?' Ahhhhhhhhhhh I had to get away. As I ran through the barriers I broke out in to hysteric laughter and must have looked as mental as all the weirdos I'd encountered throughout my trip.
I ran up to my Dad and he looked at me quizzingly, wondering what the hell I was laughing about. 'Lets just get out of here Dad, I'll explain on the way home'.
Most definately the weirdest journey of my life... I don't think I have the energy to catch the return train.
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